Love after a Toxic Relationship

Ok, so…. Valentine’s Day has now passed and for many Valentine’s Day serves as a reminder of being single; which then brings up memories of unwanted reminders of traumatic heartache.

For me, I know dealing with being single and desiring to want relationship, love and the promise of forever can be draining…and for some years it had been disheartening to know that I with everything that I am as a woman and with everything that I have to offer a great man, I still couldn’t bring myself to really trust any man.

I, even now in a place of openness and the willingness to be in a relationship; I find myself still dealing with triggers, even though I intentionally waited years after my horrible escape from a very toxic 9 year relationship. I waited to allow myself time to get over the hate, rage, anger and utter disgust I had in my soul for this foul excuse for a man I was with and birth 4 beautiful girls for.

Today, I struggle with being able to believe a man can tell the truth, or that a man can actually intentionally commit himself to me. I struggle with doubt and questioning everything and in all the 4 years of staying single after the hell I’d been through, I now also struggle with feeling like I am ENOUGH for one man. I have gained weight in the recent years (not too much) I am still Fine as the day I became a full grown ass Woman, but, solely because I as a single mother have found it hard to be a mother, work a fulltime job and have time to just be in my own space mentally, physically and emotionally.

So…. Now what? I’m a woman in my mid 40’s and I have grown children as well as 4 under the age of 10 at home. I struggle with wanting to live my best life while still providing the necessities and wants of my children. Then there’s the whole thing of as a single mother with young daughters, should I bring a man into my life not knowing if he is not a pedophile of some sort.

Uggg, the thoughts that go through one’s mind are endless!

What is it? What is the answer? Who wants to be a fool yet again or fall into the web of lies and deceit from the one whom claimed they loved you and wanted to be with you?

What is that anyway? Like, at this stage of life I would think that Men/Woman are now desiring to settle down with someone that they can continue to grow and build with, travel with, make traditions of their own.

But, I am now learning that the ladder is not even on the minds of most Men! This is so sad, to find that even in 2021 we’re still living in a world of people who don’t believe that honesty is a must especially at this age and the valuing of a person’s options to choose whether they want to be a part of one’s circus of life full of lies, deception, multiple sex partners, instability etc.

I’m Not here for Any of it! Will the Real Ready Men Please…. I mean Please stand up!!

Then there’s also the aspect of men/woman who have kids by people who won’t let them go… what is that? Like seriously? If it’s over, it’s over… Why are you holding on to someone who has decided to move on? Here lies the other tangle of web of deceit… sexual relations that continue between the ex’s because either one is using the child as a pawn or one is being controlled by this to continue to get money without having to go to court….(yea I said it… ) I was one who back in the day was a victim of this here thing.

The men being scared to publicly be with the woman he is now with for fear of the baby momma keeping the kid/kids from him or vice versa… I don’t want no parts! I deserve to be shown on a man’s arm, I deserve to be able to go out and take pictures with my man without fear of sharing it on social media. If I have to hide my relationship in this way then I don’t want the relationship! And this is different from saying that we want to keep our relationship private!

“Being Private has absolutely nothing with letting the world know that you have someone…ummkay!”

Will I or any of us Men/Woman who have given our all to a person (person’s) we thought were the one… ever find or experience real unadulterated love? The kind that lasts Forever?

Will I ever be able to fully trust what a man says, without reservation of it being a lie? I desire Love, Love in its purest form without any weight of it being a lie or made up fable tale of a story just to satisfy the social abstract of my life…

Love…where are you? Will you ever find me?


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